Seven Mummies

Director: Nick Quested

Reviewed by Paghat the Ratgirl

A prison transport vehicle crashes in the desert. The prisoners kill the male guard, kidnap the female guard (a babe, naturally), & start off across the desert without water, not that they'll particularly need it.

Soon Seven Mummies (2005) has brought our little cluster of morons to a desert shack where they find Danny Trejo playing an Apache. He tells them a legend of a long lost treasure. Unfortunately Danny vanishes from the film until a closing moment, & he's dearly missed.

The escaped cons have to make a choice between crossing the border into Mexico for freedom, or going the opposite direction deeper into the desert in search of the alleged ghost town with the alleged treasure no one's ever been able to find in a couple hundred years. Since their IQs rest somewhere between rocks & potatoes, they elect to find the ghost town.

They wander into a town that seems to be inhabited by men & women of the old west, which they take to as though that's normal. They're all invited into a saloon for a good time, no one noticing the convict clothing, nor curious about their captive who in turn makes no effort to let anyone know she's captive, being apparently happy with how things are.

Come nightfall the friendly cowboys, whores & citizens reveal themselves to be vampires or ghouls. Fighting them provides ample opportunity for gorey FX though nowhere near as extreme as in From Dusk to Dawn (1996) from whence comes most of this imitation's central imagery.

The ghouls or vampires conventiently disappear after a while & the dull cast wanders around the ghost town by moonlight looking for the gold, cuz hey, they're so well rested after all that desert-crossin' & ghoul-bashin', & it's not like there's anything but the gold to worry about.

Amidst the astonishingly bad performances is one actor almost worth watching, the antic Billy Drago as the ghostly psychotic town sheriff, harrassing the escaped cons for The Seventh Medalion, which holds the secret of unlocking the treasure. Drago cannot save the utterly nonsensical role he was given, but he's better than anyone else & looks good in a dusty cowboy suit.

The three remaining convicts & the girl use the medalian they found in the desert to open the secret satan-worshipping catacomb underneath the Jesuit church, though it looked like all they needed to do was pull up a floorboard. Down below they find the gold, guarded by the mummies of the evil monks, who know kung fu.

Only two of the four make it out of the cavern alive, pursued by Billy Drago who has turned into a truly silly looking mummy. A practically brand new motorcycle with plenty of gas makes itself absurdly handy so the least awful convict & his girlfriend/captive can ride out of town pursued by mummy Drago on non-mummy horseback.

The sun comes up & the non-mummy horse as well as the mummy Drago turn to dust, though on the previous day the sunlight didn't harm any of the town's denizens one bit. But since nothing else makes a lick of sense in this stupid movie, why should the climax.

All this & a gosh awful rap-music soundtrack into the bargain! Who could ask for less?

copyright by Paghat the Ratgirl

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